PS 

3505 

A153 

T3 

1921 

MAIN 


TABOO 


This  edition  is  limited  to  nine  hundred  and 
twenty  numbered  copies,  of  which  one  hun 
dred  copies  have  been  signed  by  the  author. 

Copy  Number  . 


BOOKS  by  MR.  CABELL 

Biography: 

BEYOND  LIFE 

FIGURES  OF  EARTH 

DOMNEI 

CHIVALRY 

JURGEN 

TABOO 

THE  LINE  OF  LOVE 

GALLANTRY 

THE  CERTAIN  HOUR 

THE  CORDS  OF  VANITY 

FROM  THE  HIDDEN  WAY 

THE  RIVET  IN  GRANDFATHER'S  NECK 

THE  EAGLE'S  SHADOW 

THE  CREAM  OF  THE  JEST 

Genealogy: 

BRANCH  OF  ABINGDON 

BRANCHIANA 

THE  MAJORS  AND  THEIR  MARRIAGES 


TABOO 

A  Legend  Retold  from  the  Dirghic  of  Stsvius 

Nicanor,  with  Prolegomena,  Notes, 

and  a  Preliminary  Memoir 


James  Branch  Cabell 


At  mellus  fuerat  non  s  crib  ere,  namque  tacere 
Tutum  semper  erit. 


NEW  YORK 
ROBERT  M.  McBRIDE  &r  COMPANY 

1921 


Copyright,  1921,  by 
JAMES  BRANCH  CABELL 


Revised  and  reprinted,  by  permission  of  the 
Editors,   from  THE   LITERARY   REVIEW 


CONTENTS 

PAGE 

THE  DEDICATION 11 

MEMOIR  OF  SAEVIUS  NICANOR 17 

PROLEGOMENA 21 

THE  LEGEND: 

How  Horvendile  Met  Fate  and  Custom     ...  25 

How  the  Garbage-Man  Came  with  Forks  ...  26 

How  Thereupon  Ensued  a  Legal  Debate    ...  28 

How  There  Was  Babbling  in  Philistia  ....  29 

How  It  Appeared  to  the  Man  in  the  Street       .      .  36 

COLOPHON 39 

A.  POSTSCRIPT  40 


798837 


THE    DEDICATION 

Laudataque  virtus  crescit 


Buttons,  a  farthing  a  pair! 
Come,  who  could  buy  them  of  me  ? 
They're  round  and  sound  and  pretty, 
And  fit  for  girls  of  the  city. ' ' 


TO 

JOHN  S.  SUMNER 

(Agent  of  the  New  York  Society  for  the 
Suppression  of  Vice)  t 


no  short  while  my  indebtedness  to  you 
has  been  such  as  to  require  some  sort  of 
public  acknowledgment,  which  may  now,  I 
think,  be  tendered  most  appropriately  by  inscrib 
ing  upon  the  dedication  page  of  this  small  volume 
the  name  to  which  you  are  daily  adding  in  signif 
icance. 

It  is  a  tribute,  however  trivial,  which  serves  at 
least  to  express  my  appreciation  of  your  zeal  in 
re-establishing  what  seemed  to  the  less  optimistic 
a  lost  cause.  I  may  to-day  confess  without  much 
embarrassment  that  after  fifteen  years  of  foiled 
endeavors  my  (various)  publishers  and  I  had  vir 
tually  decided  that  the  printing  of  my  books  was 
not  likely  ever  to  come  under  the  head  of  a  busi 
ness  venture,  but  was  more  properly  describable 
as  a  rather  costly  form  of  dissipation.  People 
here  and  there  would  praise,  but  until  you,  unso 
licited,  had  volunteered  to  make  me  known  to  the 
general  public,  nobody  seemed  appreciably  moved 
to  purchase. 

11 


One  by  one  my  books  had  * 'fallen  dead"  with 
disheartening  monotony :  then — through  what  mo 
tive  it  would  savor  of  ingratitude  to  inquire, — you 
came  to  remedy  all  this  in  the  manner  of  a  philan 
thropic  sorcerer,  brandishing  everywhither  your 
vivifying  wand,  and  the  dead  lived  again.  At 
once,  they  tell  me,  the  patrons  of  bookstores  be 
gs  n  to  ask,  not  only  in  whispers  for  the  Jurgen 
which  you  had  everywhere  so  glowingly  adver 
tised,  but  with  frank  curiosity  for  "some  of  the 
fellow's  other  books." 

Whereon  we  of  course  began  to  "reprint,"  with, 
I  rejoice  to  say,  results  which  have  been  very  gen 
erally  acceptable.  Barring  a  few  complaints  as 
to  the  exiguousness  of  my  writing's  salacity, — a 
salacity  which  even  I  confess  you  amiably  exag 
gerated  in  attributing  to  my  literary  manner  all 
qualities  which  the  average  reader  most  desires  in 
novelists, — there  has  proved  to  be  in  point  of  fact, 
as  my  publishers  and  I  had  dubiously  believed  for 
years,  a  gratifying  number  of  persons,  living  dis- 
persedly  about  America,  prepared  to  like  my  books 
when  these  books  were  brought  to  their  attention. 
The  difficulty  had  been  that  we  did  not  know  how 
to  reach  these  widely  scattered,  congenial  readers. 
But  you — like  Sir  James  Barriers  hero — "found 
a  way." 

I  cannot  say,  in  candor,  that  your  method  of 
exegetical  criticism  has  always  and  in  every  re 
spect  appealed  to  me.  Its  applicability,  for  one 

12 


thing,  seems  so  universal  that  it  might,  for  aught 
I  know,  be  employed  to  interpret  the  dicta  of 
Ackermann  and  Macrobius,  or  even  the  canons  of 
Doctors  Matthews  and  Sherman  herein  cited,  and 
thus  open  dire  vistas  wherein  critic  would  prey  on 
critic,  and  the  most  respectable  would  be  locked 
in  fratricidal  strife.  Moreover,  I  have  applied 
your  method  to  many  of  the  Mother  Goose  rhymes 
with  rather  curious  results.  .  .  .  But  happily,  I 
have  here  to  confess  to  you,  not  any  disputable 
literary  standards  I  may  harbor,  but  only  my  un 
arguable  debt. 

In  brief,  your  aid  obtained  for  me  overnight  the 
hearing  I  had  vainly  sought  for  a  long  while ;  and 
of  such  thaumaturgy  my  appreciation  will  never 
be,  I  trust,  inadequate.  I  therefore  grasp  at  the 
first  chance  to  express  this  appreciation  in — as  I 
have  said, — a  form  which  seems  not  quite  inept. 

Dumbarton  Grange 
December,  1920. 


13 


Of  The  Mulberry  Grove  the  following  edi 
tions  have  been  collated: 

(1)  The  editio  prmceps  of  Mansard  1475. 
An   excellent    edition,   having,    says    Gamier, 
"nearly  all  the  authority  of  an  MS."     This 
edition  served  as  the  basis  of  all  subsequent 
editions  up  to  that  of  Tribebos,  1553,  which 
then  took  the  lead  up  to  the  time  of  Biilg,  who 
judiciously  reverted  to  that  of  Mansard. 

(2)  Biilg,   in  4   vols.    Strasburg.     1786-89. 
And  in  2  vols.     Strasburg.     1786.     Both  edi 
tions  containing  the  Dirghic  text  with  a  Latin 
version,  and  the  scholia  and  indices. 

(3)  Musgrave,    concerning    whose    edition 
Gamier  is  of  opinion  that,  though  it  appeared 
later,  yet  it  had  been  made  use  of  by  Biilg. 
2     vols.     Oxon.     1800.     Reprinted,     3     vols. 
Oxon.     1809-10. 

(4)  Vanderhoffen,  with  scholia,  notes,  and 
indices.    7  vols.    London.     1807-25.    His  notes 
reprinted  separately.     Leipsic.     1824. 


MEMOIE  OF  S^EVIUS  NICANOB 

Saeviua  Nicanor  Hard  libertus  negabit 


"She  went  to  the  tailor's 
To  buy  him  a  coat ; 
When  she  came  back 
He  was  riding  the  goat. : 


MEMOIR  OF  SJEVIUS  NICANOR 


NICANOR,  one  of  the  earliest  of 
the  Grammarians,  says  Suetonius,  first  ac 
quired  fame  and  reputation  by  his  teach 
ing  ;  and,  besides,  made  commentaries,  the  greater 
part  of  which,  however,  were  said  to  have  been 
borrowed.  He  also  wrote  a  satire,  in  which  he  in 
forms  us  that  he  was  a  free  man,  and  had  a 
double  cognomen. 

It  is  reported  that  in  consequence  of  some  as 
persion  attached  to  the  character  of  his  writing, 
he  retired  into  Sardinia,  and,  says  Oriphyles,  de 
voted  the  remainder  of  his  days  to  the  composi 
tion  of  sardonic  1  literature. 

He  is  quoted  by  Macrobius,  whereas  divers  ref 
erences  to  Nicanor  in  La  Haulte  Histoire  de  Jur- 
gen  would  seem  to  show  that  this  writer  was 
viewed  with  considerable  esteem  in  mediaeval 
times.  Latterly  his  work  has  been  virtually  un 
known. 

i  Ackermann  reads  "Sardinian."  It  is  not  certain  whether  the 
adjective  employed  is  aapSavios  or  capSaviKos  :  I  suspect  that  Oriph 
yles  here  makes  an  intentional  play  upon  the  words. 

17 


Bobert  Burton,  for  the  rest,  cites  Ssevius  Nica- 
nor  in  the  1620  edition  of  The  Anatomy  of  Melan 
choly  (this  passage  was  subsequently  remodeled) 
in  terms  which  have  the  unintended  merit  of  con 
veying  a  very  fair  notion  of  the  old  Grammarian's 
literary  ethics : — 

"As  a  good  housewife  out  of  divers  fleeces 
weaves  one  piece  of  cloth  (saith  Saevius  Nicanor), 
I  have  laboriously  collected  this  Cento  out  of 
divers  Writers,  and  that  sine  injuria,  I  have 
wronged  no  authors,  but  given  every  man  his  own ; 
which  Sosimenes  so  much  commends  in  Nicanor, 
he  stole  not  whole  verses,  pages,  tracts,  as  some 
do  nowadays,  concealing  their  Authors'  names, 
but  still  said  this  was  Cleophantus ',  that  Philis- 
tion's,  that  Mnesides',  so  said  Julius  Bassus,  so 
Timaristus,  thus  far  Ophelion:  I  cite  and  quote 
mine  own  Authors  (which  howsoever  some  illiter 
ate  scribblers  account  pedantical,  as  a  cloak  of 
ignorance  and  opposite  to  their  affected  fine  style, 
I  must  and  will  use)  sumpsi,  non  surripui,  and 
what  Varro  de  re  rustica  speaks  of  bees,  minime 
malificce  quod  nullius  opus  vellicantes  faciunt  de- 
terius,  I  can  say  of  myself  no  less  heartily  than 
Sosimenes  his  laud  of  Nicanor." 


18 


PROLEGOMENA 

Nee  caput  habentia,  nee  caudam 


t  ( 


I  had  a  little  husband,  no  bigger  than  my  thumb, 
I  put  him  in  my  pint-pot,  and  there  I  bid  him  drum. ' ' 


PROLEGOMENA 

QKE-EMINENTLY  the  most  engaging  fea 
ture  of  a  topic  which  pure  chance  and  im 
pure  idiocy  have  of  late  conspired  to  pull 
about  in  the  public  prints, — I  mean  the  question  of 
"indecency"  in  writing, — is  the  patent  ease  with 
which  this  topic  may  be  disposed  of.  Since  time's 
beginning,  every  age  has  had  its  literary  taboos, 
selecting  certain  things — more  or  less  arbitrarily, 
but  usually  some  natural  function — as  the  things 
which  must  not  be  written  about.  To  violate  any 
such  taboo  so  long  as  it  stays  prevalent  is  to  be 
"indecent" :  and  that  seems  absolutely  all  there  is 
to  say  concerning  this  topic,  apart  from  furnish 
ing  some  impressive  historical  illustration.  .  .  . 

The  most  striking  instance  which  my  far  from 
exhaustive  researches  afford,  sprang  from  the 
fact,  perhaps  not  very  generally  known,  that  the 
natural  function  of  eating,  which  nowadays  may 
be  discussed  intrepidly  anywhere,  was  once  re 
garded  by  the  Philistines,  of  at  all  events  the 
Shephelah  and  the  deme  of  Novogath,  as  being 

21 


unmentionable.  This  ancient  tenet  of  theirs,  in 
deed,  is  with  such  clearness  emphasized  in  a  luck 
ily  preserved  fragment  from  the  Dirghic,  or  pre- 
Ciceronian  Latin,  of  Saevius  Nicanor  that  the  read 
iest  way  to  illustrate  the  chameleon-like  traits  of 
literary  indecency  appears  to  be  to  record,  as 
hereinafter  is  recorded,  what  of  this  legend  sur 
vives. 

Biilg  and  Vanderhoffen,  be  it  said  here,  are 
agreed  that  it  is  to  this  legend  Milton  has  referred 
in  his  Areopagitica,  in  a  passage  sufficiently 
quaint-seeming  to  us  (for  whom  a  more  advanced 
civilization  has  secured  the  right  of  free  speech) 
to  warrant  an  abridged  citation : — 

"What  advantage  is  it  to  be  a  man,  over  it  is 
to  be  a  boy  at  school,  if  serious  and  elaborate  writ 
ings,  as  if  they  were  no  more  than  the  theme  of 
a  grammar  lad  under  his  pedagogue,  must  not  be 
uttered  without  the  cursory  eyes  of  a  temporizing 
and  extemporizing  licenser?  whenas  all  the  writer 
teaches,  all  he  delivers,  is  but  under  the  tuition, 
under  the  correction  of  his  patriarchal  licenser, 
to  blot  or  alter  what  precisely  accords  not  with 
the  hide-bound  humor  which  he  calls  his  judg 
ment?  What  is  it  but  a  servitude  like  that  im 
posed  by  the  Philistines  f ' ' 


22 


THE  LEGEND 

Fit  ex  his  consuetude,  inde  natura 


;I  love  little  pussy, 
Her  fur  is  so  warm. ' ' 


i — How  Horvendile  Met  Fate  and  Custom 

DOW,  at  about  the  time  that  the  Tyrant 
Pedagogos  fell  into  disfavor  with  his  peo 
ple,  avers  old  Nicanor  (as  the  curious  may 
verify  by  comparing  Lib.  X,  Chap.  28  of  his  Mul 
berry  Grove),  passed  through  Philistia  a  clerk 
whom  some  called  Horvendile,  travelling  by  com 
pulsion  from  he  did  not  know  where  toward  a  goal 
which  he  could  not  divine.  So  this  Horvendile 
said,  "I  will  make  a  book  of  this  journeying,  for 
it  seems  to  me  a  rather  queer  journeying." 

They  answered  him:  "Very  well,  but  if  you 
have  had  dinner  or  supper  by  the  way,  do  you 
make  no  mention  of  it  in  your  book.  For  it  is  a 
law  among  us,  for  the  protection  of  our  youth,  that 
eating *  must  never  be  spoken  of  in  any  of  our 
writing. ' ' 

Horvendile  considered  this  a  curious  enactment, 
but  it  seemed  only  one  among  the  innumerable 
mad  customs  of  Philistia.  So  he  shrugged,  and 
he  made  the  book  of  his  journeying,  and  of  the 

i  Such  at  least  is  the  generally  received  rendering.  Ackermann, 
following  Biilg's  probably  spurious  text,  disputes  that  this  is  the 
exact  meaning  of  the  noun. 

25 


things  which  he  had  seen  and  heard  and  loved  and 
hated  and  had  put  by  in  the  course  of  his  passage 
among  ageless  and  unfathomed  mysteries. 

And  in  the  book  there  was  nowhere  any  word 
of  eating. 

2 — How  the  Garbage  Man  Came  with  Forks 

Now  to  the  book  which  Horvendile  had  made 
comes  presently  a  garbage-man,  newly  returned 
from  foreign  travel  for  his  health's  sake,  whose 
name  was  John.  And  this  scavenger  cried,  "Oh, 
horrible!  for  here  is  very  shameless  mention  of 
a  sword  and  a  spear  and  a  staff. " 

"That  now  is  true  enough,"  says  Horvendile, 
"but  wherein  lies  the  harm?" 

"Why,  one  has  but  to  write  *a  fork*  here,  in  the 
place  of  each  of  these  offensive  weapons,  and  the 
reference  to  eating  is  plain." 

"That  also  is  true,  but  it  would  be  your  writing 
and  not  my  writing  which  would  refer  to  eat 
ing." 

John  said,  "Abandoned  one,  it  is  the  law  of 
Philistia  and  the  holy  doctrine  of  St.  Anthony 
Koprologos  that  if  anybody  chooses  to  understand 
any  written  word  anywhere  as  meaning  'to  eat,' 
the  word  henceforward  has  that  meaning." 

"Then  you  of  Philistia  have  very  foolish  laws." 

To  which  John  the  Scavenger  sagely  replied: 
"Ah,  but  if  laws  exist  they  ought  to  fairly  and 

26 


impartially  and  without  favoritism  be  enforced 
until  amended  or  repealed.  Much  of  the  unset 
tled  condition  prevailing  in  the  country  at  the 
present  time  can  be  traced  directly  to  a  lack  of 
law  enforcement  in  many  directions  during  past 
years." 

"Now  I  misdoubt  if  I  understand  you,  Messire 
John,  for  your  infinitives  are  split  beyond  compre 
hension.  And  when  you  talk  about  the  non-en 
forcement  of  anything  in  many  directions,  even 
though  these  directions  were  during  past  years, 
I  find  it  so  confusing  that  the  one  thing  of  which 
I  can  be  quite  certain  is  that  it  was  never  you 
whom  the  law  selected  to  pass  upon  and  to  amend 
all  books. " 

This  Horvendile  says  foolishly,  not  knowing  it 
is  an  axiom  among  the  Philistines  that  literary 
expression  is  best  controlled  by  somebody  with 
no  misleading  tenderness  toward  it;  and  that  it 
is  this  custom,  as  they  proudly  aver,  which  makes 
the  literature  of  Philistia  what  it  is. 

But  John  the  Garbage-man  said  nothing  at  all, 
the  while  that  he  changed  nouns  to  "fork"  and 
"dish,"  and  carefully  annotated  each  verb  in  the 
book  as  meaning  "to  eat."  Thereafter  he  car 
ried  off  the  book  along  with  his  garbage,  and 
with — which  was  the  bewildering  part  of  it — self- 
evident  and  glowing  self-esteem.  And  all  that 
watched  him  spoke  the  Dirghic  word  of  derision, 
which  is  "Tee-Hee." 

27 


3 — How  Thereupon  Ensued  a  Legal  Debate 

Now  Horvendile  in  his  bewilderment  consulted 
with  a  man  of  law.  And  the  lawman  answered  a 
little  peevishly,  by  reason  of  the  fact  that  age  had 
impaired  his  digestive  organs,  and  he  said,  "But 
of  course  you  are  a  lewd  fellow  if  you  have  been 
suspected  of  writing  about  eating." 

"Sir,"  replies  Horvendile,  "I  would  have  you 
consider  that  if  your  parents  and  your  grand 
parents  had  not  eaten,  your  race  would  have  per 
ished,  and  you  would  never  have  been  born.  I 
would  have  you  consider  that  if  you  and  your  wife 
had  not  eaten,  again  your  race  would  have  per 
ished,  and  neither  of  you  would  ever  have  lived 
to  have  the  children  for  whose  protection,  as  men 
tell  me,  you  of  Philistia  avoid  all  mention  of  eat 
ing."  - 

"Yes,  for  the  object  of  this  most  righteous 
law,"  declares  the  lawman,  "is  to  protect  those 
whose  character  is  not  so  completely  formed  as  to 
be  proof  against  the  effect  of  meat  market  reports 
and  grocery  advertisements  and  menu  folders  and 
other  such  provocatives  to  gluttony." 

" — Yet  I  would  have  you  consider  how  little  is 
to  be  gained  by  attempting  to  conceal  even  from 
the  young  the  inevitability  of  this  natural  func 
tion,  so  long  as  dogs  eat  publicly  in  the  streets, 
and  the  poultry  regale  themselves  just  as  candidly, 
and  the  house-flies  also.  Instead,  the  knowledge 

28 


that  this  function  is  not  to  be  talked  about  induces 
furtive  and  misleading  discussion  among  these 
children,  and,  through  lack  of  proper  instruction  in 
the  approved  etiquette  of  eating,  they  often  com 
mit  deplorable  errors — " 

To  which  the  man  of  law  replied,  still  with  a 
bewildering  effect  of  talking  very  wisely  and  pa 
tiently :  "Ah,  but  it  does  not  matter  at  all  whether 
or  not  the  function  of  eating  is  practised  and  is 
inevitable  to  the  nature  and  laws  of  our  being. 
The  law  merely  considers  that  any  mention  of 
eating  is  apt  to  inflame  an  improper  and  lewd 
appetite,  particularly  in  the  young,  who  are  al 
ways  ready  to  eat:  and  therefore  any  such  men 
tion  is  an  obscene  libel." 

4 — How  There  Was  Babbling  in  Philistia 

Now  Horvendile,  yet  in  bewilderment,  lamented, 
and  he  fled  from  the  man  of  law.  Thereafter,  in 
order  to  learn  what  manner  of  writing  was  most 
honored  by  the  Philistines,  this  Horvendile  goes 
into  an  academy  where  the  faded  old  books  of 
Philistia  were  stored,  along  with  yesterday's  other 
leavings. 

And  as  he  perturbedly  inspected  these  old  books, 
one  of  the  fifty  mummies  which  were  installed  in 
this  Academy  of  Starch  and  Fetters,  with  a  hun 
dred  lackeys  to  attend  them,  spoke  vexedly  to 
Horvendile,  saying,  as  it  was  the  custom  of  these 

29 


mummies  to  say,  before  this  could  be  said  to  them, 
"I  never  heard  of  you  before.'7 

"Ah,  sir,  it  is  not  that  which  is  troubling  me," 
then  answered  Horvendile :  "but  rather,  I  am  trou 
bled  because  the  book  of  my  journeying  has  been 
suspected  of  encroachment  upon  gastronomy. 
Now  I  notice  your  most  sacred  volume  here  be 
gins  with  a  very  remarkable  myth  about  thte  fruit 
of  a  tree  in  the  middle  of  a  garden,  and  goes  on 
to  speak  of  the  supper  which  Lot  shared  with  two 
angels  and  with  his  daughters  also,  and  of  the 
cakes  which  Tamar  served  to  Amnon,  and  to 
speak  over  and  over  again  of  eating — " 

"Of  course,"  replies  the  mummy,  yawning,  be 
cause  he  had  heard  this  silly  sort  of  talking  before. 

"I  notice  that  your  most  honored  poet,  here 
where  the  dust  is  thickest,  from  the  moment  he 
began  by  writing  about  certain  painted  berries 
which  mocked  the  appetite  of  Dame  Venus,  and 
about  a  repast  from  which  luxurious  Tarquin  re 
tired  like  a  full-fed  hound  or  a  gorged  hawk, 
speaks  continually  of  eating.  And  I  notice  that 
everybody,  but  particularly  the  young  person,  is 
encouraged  to  read  these  books,  and  other  ancient 
books  which  speak  very  explicitly  indeed  of  eat 
ing—" 

"Of  course,"  again  replies  the  mummy  (who 
had  been  for  many  years  an  exponent  of  dormi- 
tive  literacy) — "of  course,  young  persons  ought 
to  read  them :  for  all  these  books  are  classics,  and 

30 


we  who  were  more  obviously  the  heirs  of  the  ages, 
and  the  inheritors  of  European  culture,  used  fre 
quently  to  discuss  these  books  in  PafP s  beer- 
cellar.'' 

"Well,  but  does  the  indecency  of  this  word  i eat 
ing  '  evaporate  out  of  it  as  the  years  pass,  so  that 
the  word  is  hurtful  only  when  very  freshly  writ 
ten?" 

The  mummy  blinked  so  wisely  that  you  would 
never  have  guessed  that  the  brains  and  viscera 
of  all  these  mummies  had  been  removed  when  the 
embalmers,  Time  and  Conformity,  were  preparing 
these  fifty  for  the  Academy  of  Starch  and  Fetters. 
"Young  man,  I  doubt  if  the  majority  of  us  here 
in  the  academy  are  deeply  interested  in  this  ques 
tion  of  eating,  for  reasons  unnecessary  to  specify. 
But  before  estimating  your  literary  pretensions, 
I  must  ask  if  you  ever  frequented  PafPs  beer- 
cellar?" 

Horvendile  said,  "No." 

Now  this  mummy  was  an  amiable  and  cultured 
old  relic,  unshakably  made  sure  of  his  high  name 
for  scholarship  by  the  fact  that  he  had  written 
dozens  of  books  which  nobody  else  had  even  read. 
So  he  said,  f  riendlily  enough :  '  '  Then  that  would 
seem  to  settle  your  pretensions.  To  have  talked 
twaddle  in  Paff's  beer-cellar  is  the  one  real  proof 
of  literary  merit,  no  matter  what  sort  of  twaddle 
you  may  have  written  in  your  book,  or  in  many 
books,  as  I  am  here  in  this  academy  to  attest. 

31 


Moreover,  I  am  old  enough  to  remember  when 
cookery-books  were  sold  openly  upon  the  news 
stands,  and  in  consequence  I  am  very  grateful  to 
the  garbage-man,  who,  in  common  with  all  other 
intelligent  persons,  has  never  dreamed  of  med 
dling  with  anything  I  wrote/' 

"But,  sir,"  says  Horvendile,  "do  you  esteem  a 
scavenger,  who  does  not  pretend  to  specialize  in 
anything  save  filth,  to  be  the  best  possible  judge 
of 'books?" 

"He  may  be  an  excellent  critic  if  only  he  in 
deed  belongs  to  the  forthputting  Philistine  stock: 
that  proviso  is  most  important,  though,  for,  as  I 
recently  declared,  we  have  very  dangerous  stand 
ards  domiciled  in  the  midst  of  us,  that  are  only 
too  quickly  raised — " 

Says  Horvendile,  with  a  shudder:  "You  speak 
ambiguously.  But  still,  in  criticizing  books — " 

"Plainly,  young  man,  you  do  not  appreciate 
that  the  essential  qualifications  for  a  critic  of 
Philistine  literature  are,"  said  this  mummy  be- 
wilderingly,  "to  have  set  off  fireworks  in  July,  to 
have  played  ball  in  a  vacant  lot,  and  to  have  re 
peated  what  Spartacus  said  to  the  gladiators.2 


2  It  is  a  gratifying  tribute  to  the  permanence  of  aesthetic  canons 
to  record  that  Dr.  Brander  Matthews  (connected  with  Columbia 
University)  has,  in  an  article  upon  "Alien  Views  of  American 
Literature,"  contributed  to  the  New  York  Times  of  14  November, 
1920,  accepted  these  three  qualifications  as  the  essential  ground 
work  for  a  literary  critic  even  to-day;  although  Dr.  Matthews  is 

32 


"No,  no,  the  essential  thing  is  not  quite  that," 
observed  an  attendant  lackey,  a  really  clever  wri 
ter,  who  wrote,  indeed,  far  more  intelligently  than 
he  thought.  He  was  a  professor  of  patriotism, 
and  prior  to  being  embalmed  in  the  academy  he 
had  charge  of  the  postgraduate  work  in  atavism 
and  superior  sneering.  "No,  my  test  is  not  quite 
that,  and  if  you  venture  to  disagree  with  me  about 
this  or  anything  else  you  are  a  ruthless  Hun  and 
an  impudent  Jew.  No,  the  garbage-man  may  very 
well  be  an  excellent  judge:  for  by  my  quite  in 
fallible  test  the  one  thing  requisite  for  a  critic  of 
our  great  Philistine  literature  is  an  ability  to  in 
duce  within  himself  such  an  internal  disturbance 
as  resembles  a  profound  murmur  of  ancestral 
voices — " 

"But,  oh,  dear  me!"  says  Horvendile,  embar 
rassed  by  such  talk. 

" — And  to  experience  a  mysterious  inflowing," 
continued  the  other,  "of  national  experience — " 

"The  function  is  of  national  experience  un 
doubtedly,"  said  Horvendile,  "but  still—" 

" — Whenever  he  meditates,"  concluded  this 
lackey  bewilderingly,  "upon  the  name  of  Brad- 


inclined,  as  a  concession  to  modernism,  to  add  to  the  list  an  ability 
to  recite  Webster's  Reply  to  Hayne.  Since  Dr.  Matthews  frankly 
states  that  he  has  been  incited  to  this  recital  of  a  critic's  needs 
by  (in  his  happy  wording)  "the  alien  angle"  of  "standards  dom 
iciled  in  the  midst  of  us,"  it  IB  sincerely  to  be  hoped  that  his 
requirements  may  be  met  forthwith. 

33 


ford  and  six  other  surnames.3  At  all  events, 
I  have  turned  wearily  from  your  book,  you  bol 
shevistic  German  Jew — " 

"But  I,"  says  Horvendile  feebly,  "am  not  a 
German  Jew." 

"Oh,  yes,  you  are,  and  so  is  everybody  else 
whose  literary  likings  are  not  my  likings.  I  re 
peat,  then,  that  I  have  turned  wearily  from  your 
book.  Whether  or  not  it  treats  of  eating,  its  im 
plication  is  clearly  that  the  Philistia  which  has 
developed  Bradford  and  six  other  appellations 
perfectly  adapted  to  produce  murmurings  and  in 
flowings  in  properly  constituted  persons, — and 
which  Philistia,  as  I  have  elsewhere  asserted,  is 
to-day  as  always  a  revolting  country  whenever  it 
condemns, — has  had  no  civilised  cultural  atmos 
phere  worth  mentioning.  So  your  book  fails  to 
connect  itself  vitally  with  our  great  tradition  as 

3  Ssevius  Nicanor  does  not  record  the  wonder-working  surnames 
employed  to  produce  this  ancient,  ante-Aristotlean  KaBapffts,  and 
they  are  not  certainly  known.  But,  quite  unaided,  I  believe,  by 
eld  Nicanor's  hint,  Dr.  Stuart  Pratt  Sherman  (the  accomplished 
editor  of  divers  contributions  to  literature,  and  the  author  of 
several  books)  has  discovered,  through  a  series  of  interesting 
experiments  in  vivisection,  that  the  one  needful  endowment  for 
a  critic  of  American  letters  is  the  power  to  induce  within  himself 
"a  profound  murmur  of  ancestral  voices,  and  to  experience  a 
mysterious  inflowing  of  national  experience,  in  meditating  on  the 
names  of  Mark  Twain,  Whitman,  Thoreau,  Lincoln,  Emerson, 
Franklin,  and  Bradford."  Compare  "Is  There  Anything  To  Be 
Said  for  Literary  Tradition,"  in  The  Bookman  for  October,  1920. 
Any  candid  consideration  of  Dr.  Sherman's  phraseology,  here  as 
elsewhere,  cannot  fail  to  suggest  that  he  has  happily  re-discovered 
the  long-lost  critical  abracadabra  of  Philistia. 

34 


to  our  literature,  and  I  find  nowhere  in  your  book 
any  ascending  sun  heralded  by  the  lookouts." 

"No  more  do  I,"  said  Horvendile;  "but  I  would 
have  imagined  you  were  more  interested  in  lunar 
phenomena,  and  even  so — " 

"  Moreover, "  now  declared  another  mummy 
(this  was  a  Moor,  called  P.  E.  M.,  or  the  Peach,4 
who  through  some  oversight  had  not  been  em 
balmed,  but  only  pickled  in  vinegar,  to  the  detri 
ment  of  his  disposition), — "moreover,  I  am  not  at 
all  in  sympathy  with  any  protest  whatever  against 
the  scavenger,  for  it  might  be  taken  as  an  excuse 
for  what  they  are  pleased  to  call  art." 

All  groaned  at  this  abominable  word.  And  then 
another  lackey  cried,  "You  are  a  prosperous  and 
affected  pseudo-litterateur!"  and  all  the  mum 
mies  spoke  sepulchrally  the  word  of  derision, 
which  is  "Tee-Hee":  and  many  said  also,  "The 
scavenger  has  never  meddled  with  us,  and  we 
never  heard  of  you,"  and  there  was  much  other 
incoherent  foolishness. 

But  Horvendile  had  fled,  bewildered  by  the  ways 
of  Philistia's  adepts  in  starch  and  fetters,  and 
bewildered  in  particular  to  note  that  a  mummy, 
so  generally  esteemed  a  kindly  and  well-meaning 
fossil,  appeared  quite  honestly  to  believe  that  all 

4  Codman  annotates  this :  "Synonyms,  since  P.  E.  M.  is  obviously 
Persicum  Esculentum  Malum — that  is,  the  peach ;  'which,'  says 
Macrobius,  'although  it  rather  belongs  to  the  tribe  of  apples, 
Saeviue  reckons  as  a  species  of  nut.' " 

35 


literature  came  out  of  the  beer-cellar  of  Paff,  or 
Pfaff,  or  had  some  similarly  Teutonic  sponsor; 
and  that  handball  was  the  best  training  for  lit 
erary  criticism;  and  that  the  cookery-books  of 
fifty  years  ago  had  something  to  do  with  Hor 
vendile 's  account  of  his  journeying,  from  he  did 
not  know  where  toward  a  goal  which  he  could  not 
divine,  now  being  in  the  garbage  pile.  It  trou 
bled  Horvendile  because  so  many  persons  seemed 
to  regard  the  old  fellow  half  seriously. 

5 — How  It  Appeared  to  the  Man  in  the  Street 

Still,  Horvendile  was  not  quite  routed  by  these 
heaped  follies.  "For,  after  all,"  says  Horvendile, 
in  his  own  folly,  "it  is  for  the  normal  human  be 
ing  that  books  are  made,  and  not  for  mummies 
and  men  of  law  and  scavengers." 

So  Horvendile  went  through  a  many  streets  that 
were  thronged  with  persons  travelling  by  com 
pulsion  from  they  did  not  know  where  toward  a 
goal  which  they  could  not  divine,  and  were  not 
especially  bothering  about.  And  it  was  evening, 
and  to  this  side  and  to  that  side  the  men  and 
women  of  Philistia  were  dining.  Everywhere 
maids  were  passing  hot  dishes,  and  forks  were 
being  thrust  into  these  dishes,  and  each  was  eat 
ing  according  to  his  ability  and  condition.  No 
matter  how  poverty-stricken  the  household,  the 
housewife  was  serving  her  poor  best  to  the  good- 

36 


man.  For  with  luncheon  so  long  past,  all  the 
really  virile  men  of  Philistia  were  famished,  and 
stood  ready  to  eat  the  moment  they  had  a  dish 
uncovered. 

So  it  befell  that  Horvendile  encountered  a  rep 
resentative  citizen,  who  was  coming  out  of  a  rep 
resentative  restaurant  with  a  representative  wife. 

And  the  sight  of  this  representative  citizen  was 
to  Horvendile  a  tonic  joy  and  a  warming  of  the 
heart.  For  this  man,  and  each  of  the  thousands 
like  him,  as  Horvendile  reflected,  had  been  within 
this  hour  sedately  dining  with  his  wife, — neither 
of  them  eating  with  the  zest  and  vigor  of  their 
first  youth,  perhaps,  but  sharing  amicably  the 
more  moderate  refreshment  which  middle-age  re 
quires, — without  being  at  any  particular  pains  to 
conceal  the  fact  from  anybody.  Here  was  then, 
after  all,  the  strong  and  sure  salvation  of  Philistia, 
in  this  quiet,  unassuming  common-sense,  which 
dealt  with  the  facts  of  life  as  facts,  the  while  that 
the  foolish  laws,  and  the  academical  and  stercoric- 
olous  nonsense  of  Philistia,  reverberated  as  re 
motely  and  as  unheeded  as  harmless  summer 
thunder. 

"Sir,"  says  elated  Horvendile,  "I  perceive  that 
you  two  have  just  been  eating,  and  that  emboldens 
me  to  ask  you — " 

But  at  this  point  Horvendile  found  he  had  been 
knocked  down,  because  the  parents  of  the  repre 
sentative  citizen  had  taught  him  from  his  earliest 

37 


youth  that  any  mention  of  eating  was  highly  inde 
cent  in  the  presence  of  gentlewomen.  And  for 
Horvendile,  recumbent  upon  the  pavement,  it  was 
bewildering  to  note  the  glow  of  honest  indigna 
tion  in  the  face  of  the  representative  citizen,  who 
waited  there,  in  front  of  the  restaurant  he  usually 
patronized.  .  .  . 


38 


COLOPHON 

Here,  rather  vexatiously,  the  old  manuscript 
breaks  off.  But  what  survives  and  has  been  cited 
of  this  fragment  amply  shows  you,  I  think,  that 
even  in  remote  Philistia,  whenever  this  question 
of  " indecency"  arose,  everybody  (including  the 
accused)  was  apt  to  act  very  foolishly.  It  has 
attested  too,  I  hope,  the  readiness  with  which  you 
may  read  ambiguities  into  the  most  respectable 
of  authors ;  as  well  as  the  readiness  with  which  a 
fanatical  training  may  lead  you  to  imagine  some 
underlying  impropriety  in  all  writing  about  any 
natural  function,  even  though  it  be  a  function  so 
time-hallowed  and  general  as  that  to  which  this 
curious  Dirghic  legend  refers. 


39 


A  POSTSCRIPT 

(French  of  C.  J.  P.  Gamier) 

The  swine  that  died  in  Gadara  two  thousand  years  ago 
Went  mad  in  lofty  places,  with  results  that  all  men 

know — 
Went  mad  in  lofty  places  through  long  rooting  in  the 

dirt, 
Which   (even  for  swine)  begets  at  last  soul-satisfying 

hurt. 

The  swine  in  lofty  places  now  are  matter  for  no  song 
By  any  prudent  singer,  but — how  long,  0  Lord,  how 
long? 


EXPLICIT 


40 


RE 

1C 

LO 

J; 

4 


RETURN  TO  the  circulation  desk  of  any 
University  of  California  Library 
or  to  the 

NORTHERN  REGIONAL  LIBRARY  FACILITY 
Bldg.  400,  Richmond  Field  Station 
University  of  California 
Richmond,  CA  94804-4698 

ALL  BOOKS  MAY  BE  RECALLED  AFTER  7  DAYS 
2-month  loans  may  be  renewed  by  calling 

(510)642-6753 
1-year  loans  may  be  recharged  by  bringing  books 

to  NRLF 
Renewals  and  recharges  may  be  made  4  days 

prior  to  due  date 

DUE  AS  STAMPED  BELOW 


MAY  0  6  1993 


FC 


YB  60244 


U.  C.  BERKELEY  LIBRARIES 


